HELP!

 

IMG_4395 (1)
                                                                                                        ELLERY HELPING COLOR EASTER EGGS

So this song popped in my head last night –Help! by the Beatles. I am not a huge Beatles fan in any way and I have heard this song in passing but in no way would this song be on my “playlist”. Everything these days has meaning- from the butterfly that flew between my husband’s and my head as the casket was lowering – to the dragonfly I found flying around the inside of my house this morning. YES – a dragonfly in my house…. flying around. And all the signs in-between have meaning and come when I need them most. When my inner self is nudging me, it means something and I NOW intentionally listen. So in the middle of the night, I gave in and googled the lyrics:

“Help!”
Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone, help

When I was younger so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me

When I was younger so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round
Help me, get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help me, ooh

This nagging song is exactly how i feel and the timing of it is impeccable as my body and soul is silently crying for HELP.

We are approaching the year mark this month July 26th 2016 and I feel like I can’t do this anymore. We have gotten through an entire year of the firsts but the DAY is coming, gripping at my being- tugging me back down in the depths and pits of sadness, grief and despair. I will no longer be able to say…. a year ago Ellery was doing this…….. a year ago Ellery and I …. a year ago…. a year ago… a year ago…….
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down, And I do appreciate you being round. Help me, get my feet back on the ground. Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help me

20131004_102857 (1)
                                                                    BIG SISTER EMILYN HELPING CHANGE ELLERY’S DIAPER

ACCEPTING HELP!

My whole life I have been quite determined to take care of myself. Never ask for help but always willing to go above and beyond to help others. A very difficult thing for me through this grief journey has been accepting help. I guess I have always felt undeserving of help and we can make it somehow. WRONGyou can not do this grief journey alonewe have just lost one of the most precious gifts in our life- Ellery. When “your feet are off the ground” and you don’t have the brain capacity to fathom the impact the loss of your child has- you NEED help. Fortunately, we live in a very compassionate community of friends and strangers. My husband and I are not from around here and our community took us under their wings and embraced us and continue to embrace us. Thank you for your HELP!

20140525_114204 (1)
                                                                        BIG BROTHER BRAHM HELPING TAKE CARE OF ELLERY

 

ASKING FOR HELP!  Grief is Isolating

Most bereaved parents don’t reach out to ask for help. To me it seems the phone weighs more than an elephant. To pick it up when you should, when you need someone most is nearly impossible. What I have found is many people expect you to reach out if you need HELP-I can understand that because that is how things usually work. (I also understand why people don’t reach out- THEY JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I am right there with them, I don’t know what to do either. The people that have helped me the most are the people that listen and don’t try to fix me or solve my unsolvable grief)  Unfortunately the bereaved lives in a different world that only fellow bereaved parents understand and a FEW others empathize with. If I did call someone during those times – what do I say, what do I do, what do I need?????? I need my baby back and no one can bring her back. Other than that, I don’t even know what I need. This grief thing is as unpredictable as a wild animal – one minute you can breathe and the next you are attacked- crouched in the corner of store crying your eyes out. Grief is isolating and it takes a lot of energy to reach out to anyone and to submerse yourself back into the living. Knowing this I encourage you to open your ears, your heart, your arms and speak the CHILDS name- this can HELP a bereaved parent!  This may be hard or uncomfortable but remember you don’t have to live with it every minute of  EVERY DAY!

IMG_3234
                                                                            BIG SISTER AUBRYN HELPING TAKE CARE OF ELLERY

 

HELPING OTHERS

Through this journey my LOVE and compassion has grown strong for people. I don’t know how I would have helped others if the tables were turned– I have to remind myself of that often and forgive those that have disappeared from my vision or don’t speak of our precious Ellery- as I know their hearts are with us. My journey is still just beginning but if my words can Help someone else then it is a start on the right path. AND it’s OK to ask for HELP!

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “HELP!

  1. you are so right….I watched as my daughter’s friends walked out her life one by one because she couldn’t “get over it”. its been almost 4 years and she has started to live again but with so many new people who didn’t know her before. She says its almost easier because they can’t compare her to now and then. I pray for you often and I do know that just listening to a grieving person, allowing them to cry and not squirming with discomfort or thinking you made them sad, is the best thing a person can do. I’ve lived it for days and days while she tried to be ok and couldn’t. Today she will say the best thing I did was not try to make her happy when she couldn’t be. She still has her days but she can breathe more days than not. I’m here for you any time and always, all you need to say is “this is Allison” and I will listen….that’s a promise.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart aches for you & your family! I’m holding you & yours in my thoughts and prayers often! Thank you for sharing with us! Your heart is on that page and I pray you use it as a continued outlet. You certainly have the ability to HELP others as you are being helped and helping yourself through these writings. Love to you sister!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s