As I am sitting down to write you this letter I am looking out the window and I see a beautiful Cardinal in the tree right in front of me. The little signs you send give me a flutter of peace. I am so beyond thankful for these signs that I cling to.
Oh Ellery, where do I start. It has now been a year without you. As the weather is nice the memories of our last days together come flooding into my mind and the tears are flowing like raging rapids. I remember bringing you to Mendards to pick out patio pavers the Wednesday before you left us. I even brought the Ipad with (which I have never done before) so you could listen to your Children’s Songs. Of course, the Ipad didn’t have service so you couldn’t watch your YouTube Children’s Songs. You screamed as we followed one of the worker around. I apologized for the screams and he said, “I find it quite entertaining”. Of course I didn’t find it entertaining at the time but what I wouldn’t give to hear you screaming “CHILDREN’S SONGS”.
I remember bringing you with me that week to pick up the kids at VBS and you would run the halls, shaking the shaker eggs and opening them so the beans would spill out. I would pick up the beans while you opened another. Several of the camp kids would ask you to say “I tooted” – one of your most famous sayings- because it was the cutest thing EVER. You were a ham and loved by many. People were just drawn to you-my precious Ellery.
I remember going to the park that Friday night to play kickball (Guess what?! There will be a community get together today to play kickball in remembrance of you. Your spirit, baby girl, is touching more lives than I could have ever imagined). You and your dad and siblings went there first and of course I came a few minutes behind toting water and snacks – as I always do. I will NEVER forget how you ran across the park with your little legs kicking from side to side- how they did when you ran. You were yelling momeeee, momeeee- like you hadn’t seen me for days when it had just been 5 minutes. You jumped in my arms and hugged me with all the LOVE in the world. My heart yearns for those hugs Ellery and for the tickle of your curls against my cheeks. I remember you playing under that weird dome climby thing, laying in the rocks and dropping rocks on your face and eyes. We had to pull you by your tootsies to get you out of there and to get the rocks out of your eyes. The little pebbles didn’t even seem to bother you. You were alway so adventurous Ellery.
I remember Saturday going to the lake for Daddy’s family get-to-gether and watching you swim all day. I can see you eating crackers with your little belly showing out of your swimming suite. You had so much fun and you were so very pooped by the time it was to go home. I also remember VIVIDLY grabbing on to your Daddy’s hand as we left the lake, looking in the rear view mirror saying, “look a at these kids, I feel like we won the lottery”. Little did I know I had only 24 hours left with you. The last beautiful memory Ellery that I will cherish for the rest of my life was hours before you left us. When you got up from your nap and it was just the two of us……..I held you and danced around the house with you- dipping you upside down as you loved to do. You giggled and kept wanting more… more… more. I am so thankful for our LAST DANCE Ellery- SO THANKFUL.
Ellery, this year has been beyond difficult for us. We love and miss you so much. The only way we have made it this far is knowing God and you are surrounding us and protecting our fragile hearts and carrying us when we can’t seem to carry ourselves- and the signs you send us. Daddy has been super strong for us. He submerses himself into staying busy at work and playing with your siblings. I can see the pain in his eyes but we love each other so much and take care of each other as good as we can. I know you watch over him and change the radio station in his truck to KTIS at times. That warms his heart. Also when I was sobbing in your room and Daddy had to hold me cause I couldn’t stop and the radio came on in our bathroom. Ellery, that calmed me down and showed me again that you are close by. Thank you for also turning on the radio when Daddy and Em where in the garage to the SHeDAISY song “Don’t Worry ‘Bout A Thing”. Em couldn’t figure out how that possibly happened but it couldn’t have been more perfect and appropriate timing. Thank you baby girl you know your daddy loves music and those signs are perfect.
Brahm talks about how he misses you and loves you. He has been having a tough time but is such a kind and wonderful big brother. He sees you in everything B- the color Blue, Bunnies, and “bubberflies”. Oh the “bubberflies” Ellery. I bet you smile when you see us chasing them all over especially the magnificent Yellow Swallowtail. I had never noticed a Swallowtail before but now they show themselves at the most appropriate times and make our souls happy.
Emilyn and Aubryn miss you so much. I know you would be having so much fun playing Barbies with the girls and singing. Emilyn sits in your room all the time when she wants to be alone and do her thing. Thank you for leaving the feathers everywhere for Emilyn. She does find them in the strangest places and immediately yells out “THANK YOU ELLERY”!
Aubryn misses you something terribly and she LOVES to talk about you. I bet you giggle at the stories she remembers. She is a tough cookie and I know you are close to her broken little heart. She just wants to hold a little girl again like she did you- boy that tugs at my heart. She has taken up writing which is a way she let’s it out and grieves. I am so proud of her. She has written a beautiful poem which we will put on your headstone when we muster up the strength to go through the process. Here is her poem, it is simply beautiful:
Look At The Stars
(what Ellery is saying to me)
A bright light shines bright in you.
That bright light will guide you
It will glow, shine and sparkle and say
I’m sorry I had to go so soon but
I’m watching you on the moon.
Until you come to see me
be as happy as you can be.
Look up to the stars and you will see me,
smiling at you.
You will do that too!
Ellery I just want to thank you for choosing me to be your mommy! Even through all of this pain and suffering, I am so glad we got to LOVE and hold you for the short time we did on this Earth. You were a gift to us and brought so much Joy, LOVE, and laughter to our lives. We will miss you everyday for the rest of our lives and YOU will never be forgotten. I will continue sharing Joy and Kindness in your name for the REST of my days here on earth until you GREET ME IN HEAVEN.