Wow and oh my goodness! Can time really pass by like this????? It truly feels like an eternity already without you, Ellery. I sit here and try to imagine you….. your voice, your smell, your smile, your face, your hair, your hugs, your sweet kisses and fear and panic creeps over me that I am forgetting. My biggest fear is I will forget the little things. People tell me, you will never forget but it is already fading. My love for you will never fade but the clear crisp memories do and I am so scared Ellery. I am so thankful I took all of the pictures and the videos that I did but I always want more.
What 18 month without you has been like………..
Holy cows, where do I start?! Our broken hearts have continued to beat for 18 months without you…..547 days 13,140 hours. I now truly experience what a “heavy heart” feels like. It now feels like my entire chest including my lungs are covered with a web that is tightly being pulled, squeezing my heart and not allowing my lungs to expand…… in other words…..HEAVY GUT WRENCHING GRIEF. I have been learning to listen to the innate intelligence that GOD has given me to release some of this but it sure comes and goes. At times I’m not sure I will survive it. However, I am learning to function and carry it a little better. I want people to understand child loss but I would never want anybody to step into my body and truly know what this feels like. There are just no words that can explain what losing you feels like.
I feel our life is like the movie Ground Hogs Day, but a nightmare version. Every morning I wake up and say “oh God” as I realize our reality! When I go to bed and it catches up with me I cry and let it out…… it’s too painful to keep in. I thank God for you Ellery and your siblings every night and I ask for God’s help and for you to give me a sign! You hear me don’t you? I know you do and sometimes my mind is just so full of grief I don’t see your gifts, but I keep looking! Many nights are sleepless as I am awaken with panic. Really, that can go away anytime soon. If you could talk to the Big Guy upstairs and tell him to help your mama out that would be wonderful! I have woken up a few times to see you in the trees, I rub my eyes and close them and reopen to make sure that I am really seeing the outline of your face…. and I do. It brings me so much comfort.
And your daddy… Your daddy misses you so much Ellery. He has it “pulled together” on the outside (which is certainly more acceptable when putting yourself back into society) but I worry about him so much. He is a strong man as you know and his LOVE and determination is carrying this family but he hurts so badly.
Let me talk about your siblings a little….
Aubryn still talks about you all the time. The most important gift she wanted for Christmas was a shirt with pictures of you and her that said SISTERS FOREVER! She loves it and cherishes it! She has written a beautiful poem for your headstone Ellery….. that is if Daddy and I can get that done. Picking out a headstone?!!! I still am in disbelief Ellery!
Brahm he has made HUGE strides. After you left us his anxiety and OCD were debilitating and your Daddy and I were so worried. He now shows no signs of OCD and is way more relaxed. I thank God for that. He misses you and feels like he is forgetting. Will you visit him in a dream someday soon?!
Emilyn still finds feathers all the time and yells “THANK YOU ELLERY”! I love it. She tells stories of you, sometimes I wonder if they are true but I really enjoy hearing them. I think you are prodding her to sing. She breaks out in song all the time and many times it’s the Children Songs that you loved so much and Let It GO (I still can’t seem to get myself to listen to that soundtrack or watch the movie) . It gives me chills and I feel you.
Ellery, as I’m sure you already know, you are going to be a BIG Sister. I feel you have already met this new little one and handpicked he or she for our family, cause frankly it feels like a miracle. It has been so hard for mommy. I miss you so so so much! I don’t know what I feel. I know I already love this new baby but my heart is so heavy. I haven’t touched your room yet. I haven’t put away your clothes or changed your sheets. Your crib sits there the same as the day you left. I physically can’t do it and I get angry when people tell me I need to.
I have also found that it is hard for people to witness grief that is why they stay away or give suggestions on how to “fix it” (truly I don’t blame them). Unfortunately there is no “fix”, there is no miracle drug, drink, food, exercise or amount of time that will “FIX” this. One thing that I have realized is people cross our paths at just the right time and others leave or stay away when you would expect them to be there. This is another nudge (used to feel more like a slap in the face but not anymore) to tell me that life doesn’t work how I think it should, life “happens” how it is supposed to and that’s out of my control. It is truly a gift and a blessing the people that have stayed in our lives, the new friends that have entered our lives, the people who are walking through the grief with us, the people are helping us, and praying for us. We are grateful and thankful beyond words and it would be so much harder without them!
Ellery you are in Heaven and I am here. I now have to live with your memories in my heart rather than your body in my arms. That feels impossible but as the months on the calendar have continued to turn, I am proving it possible. I love you Baby Girl and I miss you with every ounce of my being!