It seems fitting that I write today as it has been 1 year since my very first blog post and it is 22 months today that my precious Ellery past. You see I don’t sit in my house counting the days to the next month of her passing. In fact I try really hard to keep busy so the days pass and I don’t know what day it is. But as the clock keeps time, so does my mind. The pain of each passing month provides a sting with it. I acknowledge it for what it is and I accept these feelings that I have today just as I do every day. They are part of me. You know what? There are still days that all I do is cry till the kids come home. No I don’t just sit there and cry – I multitaskingly cry (Yes I know that is not a word but to me it means- perfectly functioning, doing many things all while crying) AND I have gotten pretty damn good at it!
I have learned grief has to come out and it WILL come out weather it’s now or years and years from now and it DOESN”T care when it shows it’s face. It’s also like a baby growing in a momma- as time passes it grows and grows and grows. At some point that baby is coming and there is no stopping it and sometimes its messy ……just like grief (seriously grief correlates with the circle of life so much. It is birthed, it grows with you, it distances itself but it is ALWAYS there and its not easy) The longer you hold something in the more painful it is to let out. From my own experiences I have found if you don’t let it out some way- I’m talking, bawling, running, exercising screaming, writing etc. etc. etc. it manifests in NOT SO GREAT ways! I have seen the physical manifestation in my own mom barely being able to walk at one point (she is doing so much better now). I have witnessed my daughter getting migraines so bad it paralyzed one side of her body. My son developed a debilitating OCD behavior (we are beyond grateful that he is functioning so much better) My husband has been sick so many times since Ellery past. That is what grief can do to you physically- emotionally is a whole other ball game and consciously I deal with that EVERY single day. This does not in any way mean that there is a right way or wrong way to grieve and no two people grieve the same- that is tough too! I do believe it to mean though that we need to open up or hearts and listen and follow the grief road that works for us. So really no matter how much “advice” one receives- grief is unique to the individual and there is NO FIXING IT! Grrr, I just hate that because I want a FIX!
Grief is a BEAST that brings up everything from your past, present and how you deal with things in the future. Grief is a teacher, one that I wish I NEVER had to encounter, one that you would complain to your parents everyday because they were mean and hurt your feelings. Grief doesn’t care how you “feel” it is there to teach you the HARDEST LESSON in life……. learning to live without your loved one… My Loved One…. MY ELLERY! A lesson I have NO other choice but to LEARN and HOW I learn it leads to the quality of life I have left. I am one determined MOMMA! I will make sure I provide my kids the best life I can give them- even with this very BROKEN heart. I don’t mean with THINGS like toys, electronics etc. etc. etc. I mean fill their hearts with LOVE, GRATITUDE, HOPE and FAITH! It is the only thing that is going to get me through this life till I am right there with my Ellery again. I know I will fail many times but I will never give up.