There are many things that are difficult in this life of grief. In fact most things have proven difficult after the loss of Ellery. My body and mind are constantly juggling or multitasking grief (if that could possibly make sense). What I mean by this is, being happy while immensely sad, trying to keep organized when the life that you knew is flipped upside-down and there is nothing orderly about it, and trying to think and focus while every thought contains a thought of your child no longer here……. it’s overwhelming, it’s difficult and exhausting. My own mind is a freak show in a scary circus act.
There are a few things in particular that bring me to my knees with gut wrenching, agonizing, outright uncontrollable scream crying (yes, I may have made that term up but believe me there is such a thing as scream crying…. fellow bereaved mommas can probably relate) And those are….. #1) Going through her room. I still CAN”T do it, BELIEVE ME I have tried. EVERY TIME I try, I can’t breathe and I become hysterical. I grasp at her little clothes trying to imagine her scent and picture her alive wearing the outfits and what she would be doing. I see her in her crib and stare at her drool marks on her pillow. How do I preserve this?!?!?! How do I preserve my memories that are distancing from me? HOW?!!!!!
#2) THE Headstone! “Oh dear GOD!” I have cried out those words so many times. “HELP!!!” It has taken me 2 years to get the headstone ordered. Seriously……. picking out your daughters headstone. WHAT ON EARTH?!!! Going through every picture I have and trying to pick the best one…… ugh! I wanted it perfect but seriously…… a perfect headstone?!!! I am sure I drove a few people crazy…. and to those people who may be reading this THANK YOU for your patience. The Headstone for me was the last tangible thing I was able to do for my daughter. Most people get to take their daughters prom dress shopping, or plan for a wedding…… I spent 2 years trying to design the “perfect” headstone. I needed to make this slab of granite “tell” EVERYONE who drives or walks by what a special, beautiful, and loved little girl she was. Two years ago shortly after Ellery died, my daughter Aubryn who cherished her baby sister came up to me with a poem she wrote. It blew me away! This poem was so profound for a grieving 8 year old to have written. I knew that there would be nothing better to be inscribed on her stone than this meaningful poem written by her sister. Please read!
Look Up To The Stars
A bright light shines bright in you.
That bright light will guide you.
It will glow, shine and sparkle
and say I’m sorry
I had to go so soon,
but I’m watching you from the moon.
Until you come to see me, be as happy as you can be.
Look up to the stars….
See me smiling at you and you will do that too.
The Headstone is finished and was placed November 30th, 2017. We went this past weekend to see it. Walking up to the place where my daughter’s little body resides 8 feet under, to see this piece of granite that tells of my babies life……. AGAIN brought me to my knees and ripped at my heart. Although there is no such thing as a “perfect” headstone, this is as good as it gets. It is a beautiful stone that represents a beautiful little girl that brought so much LOVE to OUR family’s life. The headstone is just another way to share with others the loving spirit of our precious little Ellery!
“Until you come to see me, be as happy as you can be.” We are trying baby girl….. we are trying.